Retreat

RETREAT

a) A quiet, private, secure place; a refuge
b) The act of withdrawing from dangerous or unproductive situations
From old French to retract, pull inward.

Have you ever found yourself making great progress on a task or goal, then realize you are going in the wrong direction? It’s hard to quit while ahead, even when you sense it may not produce the results you desire. I am discovering that my definition of success was too often measured in approval, direction, models set by others, or goals from another place and time. Like many now, I am finding these months of sheltering an excellent time to stop and think, to reconsider what is truly important. People are not only chucking unloved items, but also outdated ideas and plans. As our world gets smaller, the choices can get bigger, more significant. Relationships, both intimate and social, are being tested. Even where to live and how to work are open questions. How can anyone decide what is the best direction to move? Get quiet, pull inward and stop listening to old voices that tell you who you are and what you “should” do.  

I have been longing for a real retreat. I need time alone to accurately weigh my choices for work, play, socializing, and what “self-care” looks like in my individual, aging state. No place to go, really. By chance, I started building such a retreat over a year ago, a cozy cottage that will serve me professionally and personally to the end of my days. The sheer number of decisions involved has forced me to look at what is right for me now, to stop borrowing standards, capabilities, ideas from other people and even myself from earlier times. I believe this comparison thinking causes a mindset of competition, with no real winning possible. My best instruction on this was my yoga teacher Sirgit Singh. He would shake his finger at me when I glanced at the yogini on the next mat, and say “Cynthia! Do not compete with her. And do not compete with yourself from yesterday.” This was in 1976. I was unaware that I had been raised to always be in a contest with others, not to win, but simply to keep up, to please, and hope to be accepted. Forty years later, I still work to recognize that competing will not get me to my best Self. 

To this end, I’ve been studying the concept of essentialism (Greg McKeown). The principle “Less but Better” is a challenge for those of us taught that striving to do, be, have, create MORE is the momentum of success. Anyone who knows me might be surprised to hear that this strikes a complex chord in my soul. I admire how mindfulness quietly uses all five senses while simply eating an orange. Always seemed beyond me how anyone does that, other than as a momentary spiritual exercise. But this year, it has become necessary for my well-being to slow down, and embrace practices that enhance peace of mind, simplicity, and kindness. It has meant moving back from a goal, questioning if the task list I made a week ago, or a vision from decades past, is getting me where I truly want to go. It’s much simpler to let that line of questioning influence my “to do,” and equally crucial “to don’t” lists. 

What is my highest priority? What must come first? That is the most important question for each of us. To assess, question, consider, and yes, retreat and retract, has been a missing aspect of my strategy, until now. It’s my current practice, and leads to changes in my schedule, and I’m determined to get better at “letting go.” My physical retreat will allow me to walk 100 steps from my home and be truly alone, quiet, able to create the environment just right for me. And then ask, “What is in my best interest at this time?”

Scary stuff.

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