On Spending Time Alone

I’ve never spent so much time alone, and I’m currently shocked at how my motivation to create seems to have been based on others’ expectations and promises I made. I so relied on the “to-do list,” clinging to limited time frames and routine to accomplish anything. If no one is looking—or waiting—why bother?  Deadlines don’t exist in a vacuum.

In my cheerier (pre-COVID) hallucinations, I believed myself to be a fairly organized and productive being. All by myself, my habits and routines would carry me forth, no external nudging required. By week #9 of S.I.P the truth is revealed. I really should turn in my “Virgo card.”

But underneath this dissolving exoskeleton of who I thought I was, something sweeter and stronger is being revealed. To start, GRATITUDE is my new grit, replacing habit and “shoulds” left over from earlier realities. This thankfulness is different than my normal experience of gratefulness lists. It isn’t only the reflection in a rear-view mirror. There is a deeper presence of seeing beauty in the moment, finally recognizing that I don’t have to “stop and smell the roses,” I simply want to.