On Being Actively Alone
Some people who might otherwise be artists, or merely more productive, turn
their creative talents elsewhere because they cannot tolerate being alone
for extended periods.- Anna Held Audette
Our relationship to being alone has been challenged to the utmost degree with the Sheltering-In-Place. For some, this time has meant that they are never alone, always with family. And others haven't felt a hug, been (unmasked) face to face with those they normally hug with abandon. Time alone can lead to loneliness, which is based on fear. Or it can be a journey into oneself, to discover the underlying truth of being truly, completely, undistracted.
Most of the real work of creativity of all kinds, including the inspired acts of clearing and preparing for a visit with your Muse, require exquisite solitude. Is it ever honorable to avoid creating, practicing, playing at your chosen craft or tackle a hard task? Of course. There are a thousand times when you can righteously say "no" to the work. But there are as many times when you must righteously say "yes." Between the two there is no time left ever to say "maybe."
When you do say "yes," where will you be? Completely alone. In order to start, an artist must invite in and be able to tolerate active aloneness. We can all tolerate passive aloneness reasonably well: in that dull state we can nap, watch TV, read, play computer games, think of people to call. But active aloneness is a cat of another stripe. This is the magical experience of solitude.
To be actively alone means to be belligerent, alive, ecstatic, afraid, on your feet, wired, doubtful, upset, fired up, and all the rest. It means that mistakes are about to happen. It means that contradictory ideas will engulf you, and confrontation will occur.
As the painter Agnes Martin explained it (with some of my words added): The solitary life is full of terrors. If you go walking down a country lane at dusk to dark, it is an entirely different thing than walking with someone else. Even if it be a five-year-old child, or a friendly dog, the feeling is inexplicably bearable. If you were not completely distracted you would surely feel "the fear" part of the time, the pervasive fear that is always with us, born into each of us. In solitude we choose to engage with this fear, embrace the truth of it and so it is lived and finally understood.
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