GIFTING... How to Give and Receive Presents Like an Adult

In the “alchemy of gifting” we can transform giving and receiving into a deeply meaningful exploration of what we each value, the gifter and giftee. 

It's been a year of NOT giving gifts in person. Now that I can celebrate people’s special days, I noted an old feeling of anxiety while preparing a small pile of “maybe treasures” for a new friend’s birthday. Part of my gift to her was reading the following piece I wrote as I explored this uncomfortable feeling.

Of all the “joyous and free” actions on the planet, choosing, presenting, and receiving a gift should be way up on that list. Why does it evoke such anxiety? I know that for years I was an awful recipient. I couldn’t hide my discomfort about wanting to “like it” and that influenced my ability to receive. Being “hard to buy for” is NOT a social nicety. I really thought I was the rare bird, but I’ve learned that is not so, that most people have difficulty in this process. Otherwise, why would “It’s the thought that counts” be a cliché we are taught from childhood?

Once I got past the concept that I had a unique case of “gift-angst,” I started wondering how something so potentially wonderful got buggered up. My biggest insight is that the only training I ever received was in childhood, and what should be a sacrament was reduced to predictable, gushed comments: 

“For me? You shouldn’t have!”

“Do you like it?”

“I love it!”

“Do you, really? Because if you don’t, you can return it.”

“NO, ! I really really do! It’s perfect.”

None of which alleviates the underlying angst. In an odd way, it separates rather than invites closeness. Learning to enclose the receipt in a sealed envelope was game changing, but it still left us wondering.

A friend and I share a birth month, and we’d meet over a meal to exchange our gifts. We knew each other well enough to avoid bullshit auto-responses. She remarked, as we opened the wrapped earrings each of us had given the other: “You like what you chose more than what I gave you.” No, well, yes. But she was right, and she liked hers better, too. And thus we hit upon the perfect solution: I would buy something I loved, and she did the same. We’d open them together, look at each other, and simultaneously push them across the table, both delighted. This only came after a scary talk about disliking how we each handled the birthday exchange. No genuine thank yous, seldom seeing the gifts worn or used. We love each other enough to ask real questions, and tell the truth, and that made the difference. 

I have been trying to remember when “regifting” became a thing, I mean an OK thing. My grandmother once gave back to me (for my Virgo birthday) the Christmas present of six wine glasses I’d given her to replace the jelly jars for her Manischewitz concord grape wine. (I’m sure those jars are worth thousands on eBay now, unlike the Libby glasses I bought at Rite Aid.) Always remember who gave the unwanted item so you don’t repeat my grandmother’s faux pas. 

In the “alchemy of gifting” we can transform giving and receiving into a deeply meaningful exploration of what we each value, the gifter and giftee. It requires a genuine desire to please, mixed with the ability to hear—and say--“No, thanks anyway” without a shudder of shame. Let’s update this ritual with grace and honesty, as in freely given with no attachment, and you can do whatever you want: if you like it, you can take it. Or give it back with genuine appreciation for “the thought.” 

Can you feel the anxiety slipping away? Once past this first awkward conversation, it will lead to a mutual agreement. Hopefully they’ll pass this new understanding along with the gift to the next person. We might even learn to NOT give simply out of obligation. 

And my birthday girl? She loved this essay, cried a little, identified a LOT. As she received each of the small gifts I had chosen for her (regifting included), she calmly said, “It’s beautiful, but I don’t see myself wearing it. Oh, my mom would LOVE this, may I give it to her?” And received the other bits gladly. “Hey, we did really good, didn’t we?!”

With this kind of freedom, I might really learn to love being an adult before I’m dead... 

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