Befriending

Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it

one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.  Eleanor Roosevelt

Awash in agony of writing the courage to trust, I repeatedly practiced all the exercises, which explore how we trust and care for ourselves as well as others. And so it was revealed that I was working harder at being a loving presence to others than I was to myself. This took me to the insight that LOVE and TRUST are not the same thing. The book sets the path on being more trustworthy, and evoking the same from others. But, can I say that I LOVE myself? 

            For this word to have any meaning, it must first be recognized as a verb. To love, cherish, care for others has been the sole purpose of my being for my whole life. This was my proof of love: when I hold back a harsh thought (or die a thousand deaths when I don’t), or set aside my own wants to serve others’ needs. But how the hell can I love myself if no one else is around to reflect back that I’m loving and lovable?

            Honestly? If I talked to, treated and flaked out on others to the degree I did myself, I’d be a lonely old gal. I imagined having a college roommate show up to stay with me. She was such fun! Encouraging hours of mindless games on my phone, seeking out butt and brain numbing, bingeworthy shows, comfort eating to the point that my pants were tight, “But it’s okay, you know ‘quickly put on, you can starve it off’.” And then she’d flip on me! Suddenly pointing out the clutter, my lack of discipline and sloth in a gleeful barrage of character assassination. Her two-edged sword cut me up, leaving me with no clear commitment nor sense of direction. She pushed me down, then cut my bootstraps, leaving me with little confidence that I could make the changes I longed for.

To be a loving friend requires sensitivity of the fears and desires that dwell in deeper, often secret, levels of our divided Selves. Shall we look at how you rate as a friend to your best and comeliest self? To get started, look into the mirror provided by the self-assessment below.

                              HOW DO YOU RATE ON BEFRIENDING YOURSELF? 

Give yourself a score of 0 to 5 on how well you actively care for yourself. Scoring is completely subjective. These are unsubtle clues on how it might look to love yourself. 

• I honor promises to myself as much as I would a commitment to another.

• I don’t delay fun even if it’s slightly inconvenient for someone else.

• I check in with my mental and physical health, making small changes to bring more joy and energy. Do I need a nap? To go outside? Do I dare eat a peach?

• I look at my imperfect body and environs with the acceptance I extend to others.

• When I make a mistake, I tell myself “No one is perfect, you’ll learn from this.”

• I actively seek doorways out of frustration, and pay for resources to guide me.

• I speak encouragement and kindness to myself as I do when others are struggling.

• When faced with upcoming scary challenges, I reduce stress by planning what I need to succeed. 

• I’m as careful about my own finances as I would be if tending to another’s money.

• I actively seek ways to be creative, to express my unique taste and hunger for order.

• I don’t hesitate to buy flowers for myself, because $10.00 for beauty is a no-brainer.

• I don’t procrastinate to the point that I am stressed out of my mind and give up.

• I seek immediate support from friends and professionals if I am emotionally or physically in pain. 

The reflection of love and care implied in these examples is called tending and befriending. This is the antidote to the toxin of unworthiness. You naturally start to notice how you are beautiful, doing right, and want to catch yourself being good(enough). An obvious proof of my own growth is that I have come to believe that “done is better than perfect,” and actually publish these posts. I cringe each time, editing until my eyes bleed, but I do put them out.

To be honest, first attempts at self-love often ignite a triple shot of self-judgment, frustration and anger. That’s okay. That’s the cue to lift ourselves away from defeatist thinking, the kind that says “Oh well, since I ate one I might as well devour the package.” It takes remarkable courage to begin anew. Every. Single. Day. 

It has been helpful for me to investigate my habits of demeaning thought. I encourage you to write down any unkindnesses exactly as they pop into your head. You might realize you’ve been looping these same hurtful beliefs about yourself for decades. As you challenge them with encouragement, it lifts you away from hurtful thinking. Speaking kindly TO yourself is actually helpful, and is received by the brain as advice from a beloved teacher.

• I don't make time to meditate.
Start with three minutes of mindful walking. Just taking five breaths brings you back to Center.

• I need to lose ## pounds, I’ll never do it!
Today, skip the chips, eat more veggies. (V-8 to the rescue.)

• I haven’t written, even in my journal, for days.
Set a timer for 10 minutes, and let it rip and don’t be attached to outcome!

• The house is a total mess!
So, buy flowers and clean one table to showcase their loveliness.

• I’m feeling isolated and lonely.
What one person can you call, text, send a postcard to, who will welcome it?

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You get the drift. You can do this.

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