Psychology Panel for Realtors — Mendocino Coast

31 July 2020

Internal Conflicts & Ethical Dilemmas for Realtors

Full disclosure: My father was a realtor. He never talked anyone into buying or selling, yet developed a strong loyalty with his clients, and was successful as a result. 

A REAL ESTATE SALESPERSON is very different than a REALTOR. I looked up the definition: “A realtor is a person who works in the real estate business and is a member of the National Association of Real Estate Boards, and abides by its code of ethics.” The RE COE was developed in 1913, one of the earliest professions to have one. I read through the articles, it’s very clearly defined and could put you in line for sainthood if you follow it. It also holds the key to success.

I also looked up the scale of public trust in professionals… Why, if all follow the COE, are real estate agents at the same 11% of … politicians!? I think it’s because new agents are targeted by ads that sell expensive MAKE THE CLOSE classes. Success, starting with passing the test, has so much to do with numbers: money, escrows, “hits” on their websites. The real measure of long-term success, and the purpose of the COE, has to do with building trust and loyalty with your clients. Continuing in my “looking up theme,” the definition of customer v. client is “A customer is a one-time transaction. A client is someone who does, or is willing to do, or refer to you, more business.” When a seller or buyer feels like they are hoped for numbers, they will let you go. I’ve had a number of therapy sessions with clients who talk about how scared they are to trust their agents, feel like their needs and concerns are inconsequential. When you drive a person into therapy, you probably won’t be making money off them, and that is how they feel, and why only 11% trust their RE agents. 

In my practice, I’ve coached and encouraged a number of women to become realtors. Their worries that they can’t do “sales” is a target of my intervention. You don’t need to create a sale; you need to build a relationship with each client, and I include the LOOKY-LOOS, as if their needs, dreams, hopes are the only thing that matter. As a client myself, I felt guilty “dragging” my agent all over the coast, getting close enough to make an offer, backing out or losing out, and her response was always “This is never a waste of my time: I'm seeing these properties, and I want you to have exactly what you need.” She understood that this was the biggest investment of my life, and looked with me for all the reasons a property might NOT be right for me, but gave us ideas of what we want to look for in the next one. 

Honestly convince your client that you honor the COE…

  1. Fiduciary responsibility to not put money over quality of the fit for their needs

  2. Never pressuring but in fact encourage people to slow down and be certain

  3. Never judge them for ambivalence or show frustration with their hesitation…

and you will build a strong, consistent body of clients who will be happy to see you at the grocery store, and you will remember their children’s names. 

AMBIVALENCE is the enemy, and challenges the client and agent. Different than indecision or not being sure, way beyond “vanilla v. pistachio,” ambivalence is a deeply felt issue of insecurity. It’s as prevalent in the sellers as the buyers. Change is hard, and it’s really impossible to know for certain that buying or selling is as good as it can be. The risk of too low/too high terrifies people, and the feeling of “I’m making a big mistake” makes them want to back down from the transaction, or getting everything they want for just the sake of price. And of course, end up spending as much trying to remake the property as they might have in finding a different home. And the risk if real: the property was fabulous in the summer, but French drains added $10K to the price three months later when the rains hit. And the realtor gets blamed. This is why looking for everything that is wrong is as important as looking for what is right.

In order to please your clients, you need to dive deep into their internal conflicts, doubts, fears, inhibition of asking for what they need. They fear looking foolish, being naïve and being taken advantage of. In some ways it puts you into too much power, they’ve never done this before, or were hurt in the last transaction, so want you to tell them if it’s a good deal, will be their dream home, etc. Better to explore these, do a Ben Franklin T chart of pros and cons of what they want and how it compares to each property they explore. If they KNOW they can lean in, tell you all their doubts and fears, the money concerns, special hopes for the buildings, and the disagreements between them and their partners, you’ll know better how to find the right fit. Normalize it all, practice the patience of Job, and the odds increase they’ll actually say YES. 

Representing the seller is often more delicate. They’ve created home, raised kids, lived there as it was before repairs and paint and staging, and now strangers wander through rejecting them for reasons they may never know. It helps for them to know, by the way, making them more likely to re-stage and more willing to make changes and improvements even though it costs time and money. 

Bottom line: If you let the pressure of “needing to make the sale” affect your demeanor, it lowers trust. This is hard when you really really really DO need to make the sale. Real Estate is a long game. 

Interplay between agents is always deadly when competitive. I loved that my agent and the seller’s were both looking for what could be wrong for my needs, as well as how great it was, and what could be done. She insisted I spend my own money to pay for independent inspection, and it resulted in a better price and a fix-it list that we handled before moving in. I recall standing in the kitchen with her and a trusted friend, ready to say YES to the house, when it occurred to me that I hadn’t tasted the water. We took three wine glasses from the cupboard, and toasted and tasted, knowing that if it was truly awful, the sale was OFF. So did my realtor and she totally supported me. It was sweet, in all ways.